Aptenodytes patagonicus: A Study Into What On Earth Geobirb Actually Is
Adam Chapman
School of Penguinology, University of Adventes
Abstract
Is he a penguin? I think he’s a penguin. Not sure, but he might be. Or maybe he’s just a living taco. Man, I really like tacos.
Introduction
Few people go through life without experiencing the absolute all-encompassing majesty of the king penguin (Aptendytes patagonicus). Be it through terrifying, PTSD-inducing trips to the Antarctic involving large-scale cannibalism, Darwinism in action through superior firepower and an upsetting lack of hot soup, or through the soothing tones of David Attenborough’s beautiful guided journeys on the telly-box, everyone you know and love
has been held hostage by has heard of a king penguin. The question here, however, remains to be answered – what is Geobirb? Is he a king penguin?
All we can hope for is that this gets answered soon. I’ve got an early start tomorrow and I want to get some sweet, spicy raids done in FFXIV this evening. Also, I’m starving and have no money for food. EVAN, PLEASE STOP LAUGHING LIKE THAT IN MY EAR WHILST I’M TRYING TO BE AN ACADEMIC SCIENCE-MAN.
The primary hypothesis is that the level of penguinism in Geobirb is directly correlated with how clinically depressed he is. The null hypothesis, to this effect, is that there is no direct correlation.
Method
Participants
One penguin (1 man, 0 women, Mage = 20.0 , age range: 20 – 20 years) participated in the study as part of an OvertaleRPG legal team requirement. The alternative was summary execution by poisoned salmon. No participants had prior experience in or knowledge of the phenomena that is penguinism.
Materials
Geobirb was forcefully subjected to the original 1961 Beck Depression Inventory. Whilst the accuracy of this particular version may be arguable at best (Ritcher et al., 1998), it was the only usable version that didn’t smell of milk that had gone off. Evan, I did tell you that you were wrong in saying “the use-by date is as flexible as I am
”. When will you ever learn?
Oh, we also violently beat Geobirb every time he did not select an option that would indicate a higher BDI score. But, like, that shouldn’t affect the raw data… right?
Procedure
Geobirb undertook the quiz whilst chained to a radiator in Evan’s basement. The environment was perpetual darkness. I was upstairs drinking tea and making this really cool video game. It’s, like, a spin-off of Undertale with brand new original elements. You should check it out. It’s great, right?
Please love me.
Results
Descriptive statistics for the experiment are given in Table 1. SPSS output is available nowhere, because my computer does not have a very good working or romantic relationship with SPSS.
SPSS is a cheating whore, anyway.
Table 1.
Mean score and standard deviation for Geobirb’s BDI scores.
| Mean BDI Score (S.D.) | Number of times he ((scream)) |
Chained to a radiator | 400 (idk) | 23 |
Chained to a radiator whilst being beaten | 362 (IDK OK) | 43 |
Discussion
The results suggest that, interestingly enough, Geobirb is less depressed when he is both chained to a radiator in perpetual darkness and also being violently beaten. Under this condition, he screams 186.96% more than when under the non-beating condition, suggesting that finds violence pleasurable.
The results also indicate that he has absolutely broken the Beck Depression Inventory. I have literally no idea how he even managed to get that score. Foul play is suspected. Evan, if this is about me eating that sandwich you were saving, I’m sorry, but you have regardless ruined our experiment. Now we’ll never get published or peer-reviewed in Underground Academia, and it’s all your fault.
References
Ritcher, P., et al. (1998) On the validity of the Beck Depression Inventory. A review. Psychopathology, 31, 160-168.