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Post by TREE3 on Jan 18, 2017 9:35:10 GMT
Oh jeez... well I finished the 4th chapter after the prologue. This might take a while, considering the story is apparently longer then ObO, but that's not a problem. Here's my first impression.
There are some genuinely good bits, and some not so good bits, but most notably there were bits that made me laugh when I was probably supposed to... not be laughing. You said you've improved a lot over the course of writing this, so I don't know if I'm telling you stuff you already know, but there were two major, very concrete culprits that seemed t contribute to ruining the mood in some spots.
Firstly, the most vehement piece of feedback I can offer now is to please please please ditch the all-caps. I don't know if it's just me, but when a character breathlessly whispering "What?" in shock is written as "WHAT!?" the only inflection I can picture is someone's deaf grandmother screaming from the other room (unless it's Papyrus, which isn't much better). Every time a string of caps came up, it basically acted as a blunt instrument crashing through my immersion in whatever tense situation you were currently writing about, especially with chilled-out characters like Sans. I guarantee that complete replacement with italics would solve EVERYTHING everything.
The second nitpicky bit that just nags at me for some reason is phrase repetition. It's bloody hard to avoid when writing extended narration about the same general scene, but apparently really really easy to notice when reading. To pick an example, you use the phrase "his furry hands" three times within the first four chapters, and switch it up to "fuzzy hands" once for a fourth go. That wasn't me going back and counting to be mean- I just remember noticing it that many times. This isn't an egregious error in the story, but it's like hitting a speed bump every time it's re-used. Either way, I think those would be the two most obvious and easily correctable flaws (but, y'know, that's just, like, my opinion, man).
Also, if I haven't made you sick of my thoughts yet, I can probably go into more detail about wishy-washier stuff once I've read more. There's... certainly gonna be a lot of content to talk about.
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Post by foxhound3857 on Jan 18, 2017 14:58:23 GMT
Yeah, repetition was something I noticed only once I finished the whole thing, and I didn't start peeling away from it until after I began working on the bonus chapters, after I had already uploaded the whole thing, When I proof read the thing, I was mostly looking to correct grammatical errors. I think I did a fairly good job with that at least.
The caps thing I agree with too. I attempted to use italics to denote flashback scenes as opposed to giving dialogue added emphasis, but that would have been the better way to go.
Really, the big problem I felt I had was that I worded some scenes very awkwardly, and yeah I did overdo it quite a bit on the wishy-washy, so no need to chew me out on that. But it was my first attempt at a genuine fanfiction, so I'm not gonna be too hard on myself. Hopefully the improvement will show in my next entry.
There was ONE scene that I was unhappy with when I read the finished draft though, one I would like to go back and rewrite in fact, and it's in chapter 9.
In fact, since I still have the original drafts, what I'm considering right now is to go back and correct the material using the criticism you've given me, then compare it to the uploaded version and see if it looks any better. A rewrite is not out of the question either.
I would appreciate what you did like/think was good about it though, so I know what not to change and what to keep doing for the future.
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Post by TREE3 on Jan 19, 2017 3:43:34 GMT
Wow really? I'll look out for that once I get to chapter nine. Will it be obvious what scene you're talking about?
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Post by foxhound3857 on Jan 19, 2017 3:46:51 GMT
Wow really? I'll look out for that once I get to chapter nine. Will it be obvious what scene you're talking about? It might be. I wrote two different scenarios for this scene, and originally I ran with the other one but felt it was a bit on the heavy side, so I changed it. In hindsight, I think it would have fit the story and the lore better.
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Post by TREE3 on Jan 19, 2017 3:54:20 GMT
Also, I totally did neglect to mention anything positive. That's my bad, not yours. I think the whole scene in chapter four was actually handled quite well aside from the flaws I mentioned. Out of all the characters so far, you seem to write Asriel the best. That was basically the do-or-die moment for the beginning of the story, and you delivered where it mattered.
I also liked Sans' FIRST encounter with Frisk. It was neat how he broke character for a sec and acted genuinely concerned. The second encounter, er, not so much, but those still stood out as high points.
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Post by foxhound3857 on Jan 19, 2017 4:41:40 GMT
Also, I totally did neglect to mention anything positive. That's my bad, not yours. I think the whole scene in chapter four was actually handled quite well aside from the flaws I mentioned. Out of all the characters so far, you seem to write Asriel the best. That was basically the do-or-die moment for the beginning of the story, and you delivered where it mattered. I also liked Sans' FIRST encounter with Frisk. It was neat how he broke character for a sec and acted genuinely concerned. The second encounter, er, not so much, but those still stood out as high points. I don't think I understood Sans as well as (I hope) I do now. Good to know I didn't screw up the star of the show though. That was the big thing most of my reviews said I got right, that I nailed the characterization of most of the cast. Although the one I really feel like I botched to some degree was Frisk. The idea was that she was going to come out of her shell once she got over her own issues, to be less shy and more open, taking on shades of each of her friends various personalities and combining them into something all her own, but it just feels out of character the way I handled her. She talks too much. So if I opt for a rewrite, I'm going to abandon that concept in favor of a more reserved Frisk. Quiet, shy, meek, and of few words.
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Post by TREE3 on Jan 19, 2017 10:40:37 GMT
I gotta say, "Cut the crap, Sans!" had me in tears with laughter. There were definitely some unexpected things coming out of 'her' mouth at points. To counter, though, at least it's a unique take. The character doesn't technically have a set personality in the first place, so you can basically take any angle you can pull off.
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Post by Marshy on Apr 4, 2017 17:55:35 GMT
Wow, been a long while since I've looked at these. I do really agree that this guy Is majorly unappreciated, finding decent UT stories and Ideas Is pretty damn tough now that the excitement has died down. I uh, actually planned on writing something for a while, I do love to write things but I ultimately put It on hold because I was just In a creative slump at the time. Although, what I wanted to do would never match courier, and It certainly wasn't as "feel good" as One by One. I can Imagine the hardship he had to crawl through to make It so bloody effective, It's really nice when you can just tell the author worked super hard and cared deeply about what he was doing. Cause writing Is hard, It is reeeeeeallly hard. And you have to be doubly careful with stuff people love, which Is what I think makes this particular game hard to do. You either do something that Is almost a sort of wish fulfillment. Or...You can be a bit more realistic and handle things a bit more heavily. Both attract people, but It's almost like you have to pick a side to please when writing about this. It's really fascinating to be honest. I haven't seen this kinda thing with fan stories In my personal experience. People like, and hate their Undertale eh?
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Post by BadgeBall on Apr 29, 2017 10:27:07 GMT
Here are the things democrats have accomplished
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Post by foxhound3857 on Nov 11, 2017 21:40:07 GMT
Well, it's a work in progress and it's very slow going, but I've been working on a follow-up to my Redemption fanfic, and I've finally released the prologue and the first chapter. www.fanfiction.net/s/12720599/1/Under-the-Midnight-Hour-An-Undertale-StoryI can't promise that progress will be consistent; I've had the worst bout of writers block over the last six months, and work on this project has been very slow as a result. The second chapter is almost finished, and while I've written a fair chunk of the ending, it needs significant revision now. I'm not sure if I'll ever finish this, but if people genuinely like it and want to see more, then I will continue to work at it, however long it takes. Rated F for Fluff.
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Post by foxhound3857 on Apr 29, 2018 1:12:50 GMT
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